Wednesday, April 1, 2009

The Five Fashion Accessory MUST HAVES

1) BUTT ENHANCING PANTIES.


Because everyone knows that fat bottomed girls make the rockin world go 'round. Why give in to flat-bootie blues this season when you can invest in this wardrobe staple? Not only will you get way more of that much craved attention from boys, but your chances of scoring a job in this tough economy will be doubled. No butts about it, no girl's fashion accessory collection is complete without a little extra junk in the trunk.

2) VELOUR SWEAT SUITS.


Fashion Accessory #1 will aid you in looking extra curvy in your velour suits. Be sure to buy one in every obnoxious color; after all, there's nothing like the feel of cheap-looking furry fabric against your tanning bed skin. Wear them with a high pony-tail while carrying a Starbucks cup and a dog in a purse for optimum fashion forward fabulousness!

3) UGGS
Once you have your booty-licious bod and your shiny velour suit, you're going to need some Uggs to stuff the bottoms of your sweat pants in. 

These timeless boots come in all shades and shapes of unflattering blandness to suit your every mood! Despite the fur lining and similarity to snow-boots, Uggs can be worn in any climate and season. Heads will turn when you pair them with Fashion Accessory Must-Have #4, the short denim skirt-- 

not because people are thinking "why the F is that girl wearing ugly tan snow boots in 95 degree weather" but because they're thinking "wow that girl looks like lots of other pretty girls I've seen... I should run to the store and buy the exact same outfit." And what with the lovely privilidge of mass-production and daddy's credit card, they can do just that!

4) SHORT DENIM SKIRT
If you want to be a true fashionista, you're going to need a short denim skirt, preferably an expensive one from Abercrombie. Don't try to make your own out of an old pair of jeans, that's for craft-nerds, which, ew. It's much better to trust the adept little hands of underage Taiwanese factory workers who have years of experience pumping out hundreds of the same skirt per 18 hour work day. Go ahead and buy the skirt with the most wear and fading, although it might be a little more expensive to get one that looks like it's been run over by a truck a few times-- but hey, that's better than going to the thrift store for a used one! That's for poor people, which, gross. 

Once you have your denim skirt, you'll be able to pretty much wear the same outfit as everyone else every day! Just switch out your different colored Lacoste and Polo shirts, and if your feet are beginning to develop a strong odored fungus from sweating in Uggs for a few months, go ahead and switch to Rainbow brand flip-flops.  

5) TRAMP STAMP.

 With these looks, don't be afraid to show a little skin in the midriff section. A little lower back peeking out just screams "CLASS!" especially if you have an adorable lower back tattoo of a tribal design, a flower, or a butterfly. If you don't have one, don't fret. Many tattoo parlors are open 24 hours, and you and your girlfriends can hit the bars for some jello shots before stumbling into one and getting the matching tats you'll be sure to regret. I mean, remember.













P.S. 

APRIL FOOLS!!!!!!! :~)

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