Because everyone knows that fat bottomed girls make the rockin world go 'round. Why give in to flat-bootie blues this season when you can invest in this wardrobe staple? Not only will you get way more of that much craved attention from boys, but your chances of scoring a job in this tough economy will be doubled. No butts about it, no girl's fashion accessory collection is complete without a little extra junk in the trunk.
2) VELOUR SWEAT SUITS.
Fashion Accessory #1 will aid you in looking extra curvy in your velour suits. Be sure to buy one in every obnoxious color; after all, there's nothing like the feel of cheap-looking furry fabric against your tanning bed skin. Wear them with a high pony-tail while carrying a Starbucks cup and a dog in a purse for optimum fashion forward fabulousness!
3) UGGS
Once you have your booty-licious bod and your shiny velour suit, you're going to need some Uggs to stuff the bottoms of your sweat pants in.
These timeless boots come in all shades and shapes of unflattering blandness to suit your every mood! Despite the fur lining and similarity to snow-boots, Uggs can be worn in any climate and season. Heads will turn when you pair them with Fashion Accessory Must-Have #4, the short denim skirt--
not because people are thinking "why the F is that girl wearing ugly tan snow boots in 95 degree weather" but because they're thinking "wow that girl looks like lots of other pretty girls I've seen... I should run to the store and buy the exact same outfit." And what with the lovely privilidge of mass-production and daddy's credit card, they can do just that!
4) SHORT DENIM SKIRT
If you want to be a true fashionista, you're going to need a short denim skirt, preferably an expensive one from Abercrombie. Don't try to make your own out of an old pair of jeans, that's for craft-nerds, which, ew. It's much better to trust the adept little hands of underage Taiwanese factory workers who have years of experience pumping out hundreds of the same skirt per 18 hour work day. Go ahead and buy the skirt with the most wear and fading, although it might be a little more expensive to get one that looks like it's been run over by a truck a few times-- but hey, that's better than going to the thrift store for a used one! That's for poor people, which, gross.
Once you have your denim skirt, you'll be able to pretty much wear the same outfit as everyone else every day! Just switch out your different colored Lacoste and Polo shirts, and if your feet are beginning to develop a strong odored fungus from sweating in Uggs for a few months, go ahead and switch to Rainbow brand flip-flops.
5) TRAMP STAMP.
With these looks, don't be afraid to show a little skin in the midriff section. A little lower back peeking out just screams "CLASS!" especially if you have an adorable lower back tattoo of a tribal design, a flower, or a butterfly. If you don't have one, don't fret. Many tattoo parlors are open 24 hours, and you and your girlfriends can hit the bars for some jello shots before stumbling into one and getting the matching tats you'll be sure to regret. I mean, remember.
P.S.
APRIL FOOLS!!!!!!! :~)
19 comments:
HILARIOUS! At number one and two I was still taking it pretty seriously! I try not to judge people, but by number 3, I GOT IT! LOL
xoxo
Mimi
I too took Number serious, until I saw the velour! lol Good One!
LOL...you've just given a "style staple" run down of Jordans wardobe perhaps minus the butt pants :)
LOL. I love it!
Oh the sherbet, great choice! I still can't believe I don't wear it.
oh my i love it! my first glimpse into your blog...i'm intrigued absolutely!
Tramp stamp!!!!! That's the funniest ever!
hahaha!!! This is great!! :)
Hahaha, glad I could share a little April Fools fun with you all, and that I wasn't the only one giggling as I made it. Seriously, people at work were like "What's with the maniacal snickering over there?" he he he. And CalamityJem, who is Jordan? Someone fabulous I guess :~)
This post is hysterical!! Total genius for 4/1, ZL!
xoxox,
CC
I really do want butt-enhancing panties, though. For real.
don't be fooled, katie owns all five items listed here.
OMG too funny! Tramp stamps the best....lol
I. Love. You.
Marry me?
This is a funny april fools joke! Unfortunately some people would not think that it was a joke! I like your blog by the way!
haha I'm fairly sure that butt enhancing pants are the 3rd sign of the apocalypse.
Amber from over at painfullyhip showed me your blog, and I think it's rad in the way that i think german shepherds, light sabers, and carbohydrates are rad.
I'm throwing you up on my blog roll! (which is like the internet fame equivalent of standing behind a person who is being interviewed on a local news program and waving your arms while screaming "HEY MOM I'M ON TV")
Too funny! My boyfriend works at a college and he asked me why all the girls wear sweat suits and uggs... I didn't know how to respond, because, well, I don't get it either!
Great joke, but
"It's much better to trust the adept little hands of underage Taiwanese factory workers who have years of experience pumping out hundreds of the same skirt per 18 hour work day", yeahh.. is that why you buy at GAP?
Awesomeallday-- I am honored! So glad you like my blog, and I'm glad everyone else thought my silly joke was funny. Anonymous person, you make a very good point! I actually don't shop at Gap if that's what you're driving at (or buy any clothes new except for shoes sometimes) but I don't turn down the brand names when they come to me free/second hand which maybe is hypocritical, I don't know! You've given me something to think about!
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